I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
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Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
any last words?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]