Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.