God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
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Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]