I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
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Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
mechanics be like
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.