Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Spring of Deception
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird