No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
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*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
i think both sides are to blame here
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*