[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
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The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?