People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
when you are just born a rebel
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.