I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Lmao
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Spring of Deception
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed