ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
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[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
5 ways to appear taller
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.