My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
You Might Also Like
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”