People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
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Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold