When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
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Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi