Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.