My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
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[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child