If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
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[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
pizza
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Smile they said.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
there’s probably a fee though
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.