Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*