my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.