I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
This meal prepping shit easy
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.