Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
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I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.