[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
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Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Sticker placement is key.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.