I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
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How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport