I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
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Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today