Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
San Francisco has too many rules
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house