Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
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Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.