Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
a lot to unpack here
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
#milo
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts