“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
You Might Also Like
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A