“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Hotels are back
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.