the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Weirdly Wednesday.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.