They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons