My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
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I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Happy thanksgiving
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Love is in the air fryer.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal