“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
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I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.