When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
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Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Encore…
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
How times have changed.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
#oldknees
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”