“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
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[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious