Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
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[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
December birthdays be like…
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE