Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
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[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
philosophical skeletons be like
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*