My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
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me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Mission: Impossible
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Google Pay be like:
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid