Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos