If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.