*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going