Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
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Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.