I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!