The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.