Running from your problems is cardio .
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
IT’S-A ME,
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
#parenting
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.