That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?