Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
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You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down