[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.