Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
March 16
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!