GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991