please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
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Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”